Hole in My Heart


Clarence, Angel Second Class
Unknown–January 23, 2014

Obsessive, almost maniacal scrubbing:  floors, clothing, blankets, furniture, my car, everything.  For reasons I can’t completely understand I have done this with unrelenting urgency for the past week and a half, save a couple of days when I pressed pause so I could be with HCB. Today I will close up the giant plastic tub of Clarence-the-Canine’s things after I add to it two clean, neatly folded sweatshirts, one a hand-me-down from another dog and one I bought for him at American Apparel during a work trip to NYC.  We took some grief over that one, but I was frankly glad to have it when our early winter days dropped below zero and stayed there.

Then I will shove the tub to the back of the enormous closet that stretches the entire length of my studio loft.  His leash remains in my car. Again, I am not sure why it is important that it stay there when there is no dog to ride shotgun, but it is. Today I scrubbed away unmistakable evidence that a dog was there (often) and vacuumed the seats and cargo area to a fare-thee-well.

In the spring I will retrieve Clarence’s remains from cold storage and bury him, along with a couple of other beloved items:  the Kong he very nearly destroyed over the two-and-a-half years he was with me (in his never-ending quest to extract the last drop of delectable peanut butter), a couple of other special toys, his collar, my running shoes.

I know there will be another dog eventually.  But saying goodbye to Clarence hit me hard–much harder than anticipated.  Living without him is harder still.  Goodbye, good dog Clarence:  you came to me when I most needed you.  The silence is deafening.  I miss you so much, sweet boy.















29 thoughts on “Hole in My Heart

  1. Oh, Deb…. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been wondering about your silence here, and worrying that this was the reason. Sending you light and love, and sweet memories of your sweet companion.

  2. Deb, I am so sorry about Clarence. This entry of yours brought me to tears. I know I will be devastated when Sammie passes. And, I get that you have a hole in your heart. Thinking of you so much. Sending love and light to you.

  3. I am sorry does not seem to convey enough feeling for the loss you have suffered. Thinking of you and, yes, the leash must remain in the car. I did the same thing once.

  4. I didn’t want to read this. Hugs. I had my daughter’s dog cremated and her ashes put into a lovely “urn” — heat shaped. The pink collar is next to it when my daughter is home from college. It is the first thing she always goes to – caresses it, kisses it. She says she dreams of her dog, Moxie, and often doesn’t’ want to wake up as she loves hugging her “baby”. I know burial is nice too, but you might want to consider it. I was surprised at how much I like having it around … Again, tears and a heavy heart mean you still love. He is gone physically, but the joy will remain.

  5. I am so so sorry to hear this, especially because I so recently went through the very same process with our dear Lab, about 2 months ago. For some reason it really hit me hard again last night, completely out of the blue. I opened the back door and wished to see him greet me, and then I couldn’t sleep and wished I could use his rhythmic snoring and soft head to lull me to sleep. As Tennyson said, ’tis better to have loved and lost, but it sure does hurt when the wound is fresh. Peace be with you.

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