Clarence, Angel Second Class
Unknown–January 23, 2014
Obsessive, almost maniacal scrubbing: floors, clothing, blankets, furniture, my car, everything. For reasons I can’t completely understand I have done this with unrelenting urgency for the past week and a half, save a couple of days when I pressed pause so I could be with HCB. Today I will close up the giant plastic tub of Clarence-the-Canine’s things after I add to it two clean, neatly folded sweatshirts, one a hand-me-down from another dog and one I bought for him at American Apparel during a work trip to NYC. We took some grief over that one, but I was frankly glad to have it when our early winter days dropped below zero and stayed there.
Then I will shove the tub to the back of the enormous closet that stretches the entire length of my studio loft. His leash remains in my car. Again, I am not sure why it is important that it stay there when there is no dog to ride shotgun, but it is. Today I scrubbed away unmistakable evidence that a dog was there (often) and vacuumed the seats and cargo area to a fare-thee-well.
In the spring I will retrieve Clarence’s remains from cold storage and bury him, along with a couple of other beloved items: the Kong he very nearly destroyed over the two-and-a-half years he was with me (in his never-ending quest to extract the last drop of delectable peanut butter), a couple of other special toys, his collar, my running shoes.
I know there will be another dog eventually. But saying goodbye to Clarence hit me hard–much harder than anticipated. Living without him is harder still. Goodbye, good dog Clarence: you came to me when I most needed you. The silence is deafening. I miss you so much, sweet boy.
Clarence-the-Canine
Sycamore Stories 
Deb, I’m so sorry for your loss! Clarance was as lucky to have you as you were to have him!
Thank you, Jamie.~d
So sorry for your loss…..
Thank you, Jen.~d
A dog’s love never leaves us. I’m so sorry Clarence is no longer with you.
You are correct. Thanks so much.~d
It totally sucks, doesn’t it? They leave such holes behind; a giant Clarence-shaped hole in your heart and your life. My sympathies.
Oh, Deb…. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been wondering about your silence here, and worrying that this was the reason. Sending you light and love, and sweet memories of your sweet companion.
Thanks, Rebecca. The silence is really, really hard. In the past I have always had a noisy family and other dogs to absorb it. This time I am alone. I will be okay.~d
I know that silence. You will be, indeed, be okay.
I hope in each passing day the hole in your heart fills with love for another”Great Dog”.
Thanks, Elizabeth. There will indeed be another Great Dog one day.~d
Sorry…
Thanks so much.~d
So sorry to hear about Clarence. You gave him great gifts as he did you.
Yes, we gave each other a king’s ransom. Thanks so much.~d
Your writing has brought me to tears…
Thanks so much; I will be fine ultimately, and Clarence is thankfully no longer suffering the ravages of an insidious disease.~d
Deb, I am so sorry about Clarence. This entry of yours brought me to tears. I know I will be devastated when Sammie passes. And, I get that you have a hole in your heart. Thinking of you so much. Sending love and light to you.
Thanks, Starr.~d
I am sorry does not seem to convey enough feeling for the loss you have suffered. Thinking of you and, yes, the leash must remain in the car. I did the same thing once.
Thank you, Janice.~d
I didn’t want to read this. Hugs. I had my daughter’s dog cremated and her ashes put into a lovely “urn” — heat shaped. The pink collar is next to it when my daughter is home from college. It is the first thing she always goes to – caresses it, kisses it. She says she dreams of her dog, Moxie, and often doesn’t’ want to wake up as she loves hugging her “baby”. I know burial is nice too, but you might want to consider it. I was surprised at how much I like having it around … Again, tears and a heavy heart mean you still love. He is gone physically, but the joy will remain.
I am so so sorry to hear this, especially because I so recently went through the very same process with our dear Lab, about 2 months ago. For some reason it really hit me hard again last night, completely out of the blue. I opened the back door and wished to see him greet me, and then I couldn’t sleep and wished I could use his rhythmic snoring and soft head to lull me to sleep. As Tennyson said, ’tis better to have loved and lost, but it sure does hurt when the wound is fresh. Peace be with you.
Heather, that is beautiful. Thank you. And sorry you are also dealing with this. Peace to you, as well, friend~d
You are a very gifted writer, and this post tugged at many heartstrings. I share your grief for your beloved Clarence and wish you peace.
Thank you so much. I am healing, but I still miss my boy like crazy.~D
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